why can't everything just be.. right? you know, happiness and smiling and laughter and fun? where'd those times go?
i never wanted things to mess up so bad, i just wanted you to mean it when you said you loved me.. i didn't wanna have to fuck you so i would feel wanted by you.. i deserve better than that..
it's funny when you look at the times that we spent talking about getting together and everything, our feelings toward each other and other people etc. it's only funny though because if you give it a few days, less maybe, it all seems to mean nothing, like it never happened. if you don't wanna be with me then say, cuz i'm not waiting forever for something to happen if you're just using me. i'm not going through that again for you.
i guess i wish you'd talk to me more. like, well like real friends do. i wanna be there for you when you need me, and i guess i want you to need me.. cuz i need you. but i hate how you make me feel like i'm always bothering you. like you'd rather be talking with someone else or being with someone else. i'm just never good enough for you, in any way.
ha, i remember you saying to me that you wanted me to help you change - or something along those lines. somehow i don't think that will really happen, cuz i don't exactly know what you want to change, and i can't be the one to do that anyway. and plus i don't want you to change.. i love you for you..
it's so stupid how i wanna be the only one in your life. so stupid cuz i know i'm not. i can't even be your best friend, cuz she's already got that covered..
everythings just so fucking stupid.

i think, maybe i know what's wrong about us now. you see, i wanna spend time with you. and you wanna spend time with me. and we do spend time with each other. alone. and all you wanna do is touch me. and all i wanna do is make you wanna touch me. because at least then i know you want me. the means of how doesn't seem to matter, i just want you to want me.
of course, it's not always like that. we've had tonnes of fun together lately, it's been the greatest time i've had in ages. i guess, maybe i just want more.
but, i just don't really get it. what exactly is it that you want? people keep asking me if we're together. i tell them no and they ask why. i just look at them, "i don't know". and that's the truth, i don't know why. i guess, maybe you don't want it? i'm sorry, i thought you said you did. it's fine with me if you don't, but if you do, what exactly are you waiting for? have i not changed enough? what more do you want me to change? or am i just not good enough and never will be? ugh. so many questions. never enough answers.
i guess, i wish you could be proud of me. like, call me yours and be proud of that. a stupid wish i know.
i always feel like i'm bothering you. i don't know if it's true or not, but that's how i think. it seems that your new friends are some sort of issue, well they're not. i think, maybe i just wanna know them? but, i know you want your space, and you don't want us to mix, right?
god, i'm acting as if we're actually together and we're not. sorry.
i don't want to start a fight, god no i don't. i just, think i wanted to get this out of my system. i'm sorry. trust me, i feel pathetic enough for writing it in the first place. i'm just, so paranoid about everything.

Skillet - Comatose

I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of is waking to you

Tell me that you will listen
You touch is what I'm missin
And the more I hide I realise I'm slowly losing you

Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you

I don't wanna live
I don't wanna breathe
'less I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
(Waking up to you never felt so real)
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
(Waking up to you never felt so real)

I hate living without you
Dead wrong to ever doubt you
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore you
Oh how I thirst for you
Oh how I need you

Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you

I don't wanna live
I don't wanna breathe
'less I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
(Waking up to you never felt so real)
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wana dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
(Waking up to you never felt so real)

Breathing life
Waking up
My eyes
Open up

Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you

I don't wanna live
I don't wanna breathe
'less I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
(Waking up to you never felt so real)
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wana dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
(Waking up to you never felt so real)

Oh how I adore you
Waking up to you never felt so real
Oh how I thirst for you
Waking up to you never felt so real
Oh how I adore you

Oh
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real

-------

for you..

you'll never understand the way i feel about you, or the way i care about you. you're everything to me, but you just can't see it. if you could then you'd understand the jealousy, you'd understand the concern, and you'd understand the stupidity. nothing i ever do or say is right for you, i could never be, right for you. but it's all i've ever wanted to be since i met you.
i don't know why i could think that it ever might have worked between us anyway. i'm so stupid, so bloody stupid. we've barely even got a friendship that stands, let alone an actual relationship. i try to be understanding. i mean, i know you want space, gee, so do i sometimes. but hey i'd like to think that we could at least talk on the phone without having a stupid argument that ends in tears. i wish you could see things the way i see them. i wish you could understand my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams and my fears. but you can't.. i don't know if that's because you can't or if you just plain don't want to or what, but you just, don't understand. it's like you don't try.
you say you want to listen, so i will tell you and you'll get annoyed at me and disagree with me. so i shut-up. i don't tell you anything. and then you get annoyed with me for not telling you anything! i don't understand how i can win. i mean, i know i'm not easy to deal with ok. i'd be the first person to admit that i'm fucked up. but if you don't want to even bother with it then tell me. i can handle it. if you want nothing to do with me then let me know and i'm gone. cuz i don't want this hurt either you know.
just.. let me know when you figure out what you want..

how come no matter how many times you're used, you never get used to it? no matter how many times you set yourself up high, you never see the fall that's coming? how many times does someone have to get hurt before they realise somethings wrong? i'm sick of having so many questions and not getting answers.
everything seems so pointless lately. all i do is hurt them. they think that i think they're secretly getting together, hah, yea right. another one of her lies maybe? he hates me, again. doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to listen. sure doesn't want to help. he'll say all these things and i'll believe them, thinking that maybe someday soon things will work. oh how stupid i am.
i'm so paranoid. not good enough for anyone. worthless and pathetic. back to the old ways of easy pain relief and i don't even care. i'm a bitch, a loser, a fucking emo.